Simply Dan

About me:

The moment I was born, a mysterious rain of one million frogs fell on Providence, Rhode Island, and over seven hundred citizens were seriously injured by large plummeting amphibians. In Tibet, at that same hour a holy man suddenly levitated twelve feet off his monastery floor and, seized some strange enity, began barking like a dog and shouting the word "gravy" in seventy nine different languages. While the holy man was aloft and shrieking, two archaeologists, at work outside of Jerusalem, unearthed the alter of a third-century devil-worshipping cult on which was carved an image of Satan that bore an uncanny resemblance to the Warner Brother's cartoom character Yosemite Sam. Even as the doctor slapped my butt and my first cries echoed through the hospitals delivery room, a group of nuns in Boston in explicably fell into a ferocious hysteria and, racing through the streets of the city, set fire to anyone they encountered who was named "Herman". In London, the Queens favorite feathered hat exploded for no good reason, causing no harm to her august personage but putting her in such a foul mood that, forgetting what century was in, she ordered the royal hatmaker beheaded. In zoos all around the planet, elephants broke out of their enclosures and squashed anything cute and furry that they could find; for a few minutes, bears addressed startled onlookers in clear, grammatical English, speaking with better diction and projection the the greatest stage actor that ever lived - although according to all reports, none had anything interesting to say; and gorillas preformed entrechats with a grace that made thousands of ballerinas weep. Perhaps the greatest mystery of that fateful day was the presence of so many ballerinas in so many zoos. Then the world settled into it's usual routines. Frogs stopped falling from the sky and were to be seen only in French resturants where they belonged. The Tibetan holy man floated back to earth, stopped shrieking about gravy, and returned to his usual pursuits: prayer, meditation, and betting on the ponies. Wiping the bloodied remains of squashed bunny rabbits off their thunderously huge feet, the elephants returned to their enclosures. Their passion for ballet forgotten, the gorillas just ate bananas and stood around scratching their asses. Calm ensued. Peace reigned on God's good earth. .. ..
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